Many of my clients come to me thinking they have a self sabotaging problem… But the reality is, it’s *actually* a self REGULATION problem.
Imagine their surprise when they learn that once they know how to handle that- they really CAN follow thru with the things they’ve said they want to improve on or break the bad habits that they haven’t been able to break for so long!
So, FIRST OFF- what the heck is self regulation?
Self regulation is our ability to recognize, manage, and modulate our emotional reactions and the behaviors stemming from those emotions.
(Definition from belongpartners.org)
Basically, it’s our ability to not “lose it” when we’re stressed, upset, angry, sad, etc.
With self regulation, we experience our emotions and we are able to manage our physical body.
We modulate the stress response- for example, deep breathing, taking a walk, splashing our face with cold water, meeting our needs, (as well as the 4 stealthy tools that I teach all my clients that you can do ANYWHERE) so that we can act in alignment with who we wish to be- even if we’re stressed or upset..
(Ie. I am a kind person who treats others with respect instead of yelling at someone when I’m frustrated)
So what’s this got to do with self sabotage, you ask?
Let me tell you!
The beauty of being able to self regulate means that we can identify how we’re doing, moment by moment…. AND we can meet our needs in the moment so that we are able to continue to act in integrity.
Aka. We follow through with what we said we were going to do.
When we self sabotage, 2 things could be happening:
- We are not able to manage our emotions so we revert to things we don’t want to do (ie. the things you tell me you do when you sabotage yourself)
- Or, we completely lack the awareness of our emotional and physical state so we can’t step in by meeting our needs because we don’t know what they are!
I see both of these happen all the time.
And the fix for this comes down to a super simple process called “interoception”.
(Simple but not easy, of course! This is where some of the work is!)
Think of it like your internal Fit Bit, monitoring you throughout your day and reporting back in real time so you know how you’re doing.
With interoception, we are in a continual dialogue with our body- knowing how we feel and what we need.
This is a skill that must be practiced to be honed!
And it is the key to interrupting the self sabotage cycle.
When we have a strong connection to ourselves, our mental health, our emotional health, our physical body- we are able to put a solid strategy in place so we don’t go back on our word and sabotage ourselves with behaviors we really don’t like.
And won’t you know it- self regulation is a huge component to that strategy for our success!
This is entirely different from what you may have heard about self sabotage being a mindset issue, or a fear of our own success.
What a load of BS!
It’s not a mindset issue or a fear of our own success.
Instead the solution is fully within our ability to control and hone with skills that can be practiced for our own wellbeing!
When you are able to stop sabotaging yourself- you can achieve your goals so much faster by taking steps forward! You are able to be intentional and move forward in healthy ways that make you feel proud instead of disappointed.
Because- say it with me…
YOU’RE MEANT TO FLOURISH!
Exciting news, friends! If this is what you need support around, I am now enrolling for my 2 month 1:1 coaching program, FLOURISH!
We build the foundational nervous system skills you need to move forward with integrity, alignment, and confidence by getting your BODY involved- not just your mind.
Over 6 sessions, you’ll implement the easy-to-use emotional regulation + stress management skills you need to resolve any existing physical stress symptoms and build resilience so you are no longer hijacked by your emotions going forward, so you can increase your focus, intentionality, and improve decision making in real time.
You’ll also learn how to optimize your performance so you can achieve more, procrastinate less, and feel physically and emotionally better throughout your day- something I haven’t even covered in this post.
The investment for my 1:1 coaching program is currently in the low 4 figures.
If you’re interested, send me a message on LinkedIn, or you can contact me HERE and I’ll ask you a few questions to make sure it’s a good fit for us both and then we can get started as early as this week!
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Michelle Holmes is a Performance Consultant who supports teams and individuals to increase their performance, resiliency, and creativity so that the individual AND the organization can FLOURISH. She provides workplace wellness workshops + corporate consulting, speaking engagements, and personal coaching.